Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: How come I can't find a conditioner specifically formulated for ass hair?
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A: I believe it's called "Pert."

Q: If blow pops are such a great idea, how come nobody has stuck a wad of gum into the middle of a steak or piece of chicken?
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A: It's only a matter of time.

Q: I wouldn't watch that show "Sex In the City" even if all the other channels had infomercials. I'd rather watch Ron Popeil squirt his juice into a chicken.
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A: That's not a question.

Q: If Michael Jackson were president do you think he would have invaded iraq?
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A: No. I also think that Vice President Culkin would have done a better job than that fat load Dick Cheney.

Q: What's the difference between scientology and complete horseshit?
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A: Complete horseshit has higher admission standards for new members.

Q: Is it possible to get a sticker which enables you to park in handicapped spots if you're not really handicapped but just extremely lazy?
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A: I wouldn't be surprised.

Q: Is there some secret, compelling reason why architects still refuse to put urinals in parking garage staircases?
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A: The answer can be found in the Da Vinci Code.

Q: You know that song "Oh Come Let Us Adore Him?" It makes me uncomfortable.
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A: Me too.

Q: If you're in an elevator with only one other person, and you accidentally pass gas, is it pointless to try to blame it on them?
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A: I don't know, but it's certainly a good metaphor for the Bush Presidency.

Q: Do fat people subscribe to magazines like roast beef illustrated?
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A: No, that magazine folded in 2002.

Q: What's up with people who spell feces "FAECES?" Do they think the "AE" gives them an extra little touch of class?
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A: Precisely.

Q: Is there some big division that all these subdivisions are part of or have we been lied to?
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A: Yeah.

Q: The most underrated artists of the twentieth century are Hall and Oates. Did I say underrated? I meant insipid.
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A: Once again, please state your opinions in the form of a question.

Q: What is the real reason dogs lick their balls?
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A: Because they're disgusting. Just kidding. The real reason is because I squirted chocolate syrup on them.

Q: What's up with this plaster of paris? I mean is there a plaster of brussels or something?
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A: No, but there is a seldom used substance known as plaster of Liechtenstein.

Q: I checked my own prostate this morning. The good news is there's no cancer. The bad news is I need a new ballpoint pen.
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A: Motherfucker, I've warned you twice already about not formulating proper questions --- next time you get a time out.

Q: How many faeces encrusted wino's does it take to wake the president?
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A: Only one, if she's married to him.

Q: On the Dukes of Hazard, exactly whose uncle was uncle jesse and why did Boss Hogg always wear that white suit and remember that great episode where ned beatty gets raped?
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A: I think that was an episode of Gomer Pyle.

Q: How can mustard gas be so dangerous when mustard is so delicious?
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A: You ever try inhaling Gulden's?

Q: I've always felt that what two consenting adults choose to do in the privacy of their own home is completely disgusting and should be illegal.
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A: You would.

Q: I saw on CNN that doctors impregnated a woman with 21 year old sperm. Does that mean the fetus can legally drink?
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A: You'd think.

Q: I think it's great that French Fries are now called Freedom Fries, but what about freedom ticklers?
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A: I believe that name is actually used on the vending machine in the capitol men's room.

Q: Which industry is most in need of government regulation?
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A: The comic strip industry. Specifically, that guy who draws the family circus should be executed by lethal injection. Then little 8 year old billy could do a lameass depiction of it.

Q: Why aren't more Americans outraged by the Patriot Act.
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A: Actually, I read in the Washington Post that 40% of Americans believe that the patriot act represents a more dangerous restriction of individual liberties than the discredited alien and seditiion act of the 18th century. I'm obviously kidding. The truth is that most americans wouldn't dispute it if you said that bazooka joe was the 23rd president.

23 Comments:

Blogger Mr. Search Guru said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9/06/2005 11:54:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Q: What's the fascination with anal sex?

9/15/2005 12:55:00 PM  
Blogger The Fifth Dentist said...

Are you talking about your fascination or mine?

9/15/2005 02:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I was fascinated with it, I'd know the answer. I'm talking more generally about the allegedly "heterosexual" male group that seems so fascinated. But if you're fascinated with it feel free to chime in about that.

9/15/2005 02:40:00 PM  
Blogger The Fifth Dentist said...

Well, I think anal sex is heterosexual provided that a man is doing it with a woman. I don't think homosexuals have a franchise on it. Otherwise you'd have to pay them a royalty every time you engaged in it. A related question is why is the asshole the well spring of all humor? I must admit I don't know the answer to that. But it was pretty funny of god to put it so close to the genitalia. If any evidence supports intelligent design theory, it would be that.

9/15/2005 04:29:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah but what's the fascination? Would you agree that you (the universal you, i.e. the overwhelming vast majority of men) would not stick your penis in a pile of faesces unless you were compensated with an extraordinarily large sum of money? Sticking it in a pile of faesces is essentially what you're doing with anal sex? The fascination completely escapes me. I understand why homosexuals do it. It's their only real humping option. But I don't get it with heterosexuals.

9/15/2005 04:51:00 PM  
Blogger The Fifth Dentist said...

I think the average American male would stick his penis in a pile of faeces for about $1.75. On the whole, men don't seem to be that particular (no pun intended.) It strikes me that the objective of sex is to be someplace you're not supposed to be (or at least to be able to pretend you're not supposed to be there.) You can't get more off-limits than somebody else's anus. Also, I don't think that most people engaging in this activity are looking to find anything up there. On the contrary, I would wager that most (non-freaks) view that outcome as a potential hazard rather than some kind of bonus. The fact that heterosexuals have an alternative orifice wouldn't strike me as a reason they'd forgo it. It's like saying once you've mastered the missionary position why would need to try anything else. Things don't seem to work like that.

9/15/2005 05:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As it seems is the case with 98% of the blogs out there your Q&A section is nothing but mental masturbation. All this keyboard self-stroking will make hair grow on the tips of your fingers!

9/15/2005 09:07:00 PM  
Blogger The Fifth Dentist said...

Mental masturbation is not very satifsfying. I recommend the regular kind.

9/16/2005 05:29:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The commentary has slowed considerably. Does the lack of action concern you?

9/17/2005 08:37:00 AM  
Blogger The Fifth Dentist said...

Well, you know, if you don't write anything new, you're unlikely to get a constant stream of comments.

9/17/2005 10:26:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about some more Q&A. Give us some more of that old time wisdom ...

9/17/2005 08:26:00 PM  
Blogger The Fifth Dentist said...

How's this:

Q: What is the difference between meatloaf and Salisbury Steak?

A: There is no difference, except that meatloaf contains no urine and slightly less faeces.

Pretty weak, huh?

9/18/2005 07:35:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow that was week and represented an uncalled for attack on Salisbury steak. I happen to like Salisbury steak, although not as much as good meatloaf. I think it's one of those childhood comfort food memories. At least you got a chance to spell faeces again.

9/19/2005 09:04:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sir - How can you claim that Hall & Oates are the most gay artists of the 20th Century? They don't hold a candle to Boy George or George Michael, not to mention Ethel Merman. Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Andy Warhol, Freddie Mercury, etc. The list goes on and on. Hall & Oates don't even rank, unless you were using gay pejoratively?

-- Argyle

9/20/2005 05:09:00 PM  
Blogger The Fifth Dentist said...

Good point. I didn't mean to suggest that Hall & Oates were homosexuals or that there's anything with being a homosexual. What I meant to suggest is that Hall and Oates sucked. Particularly Oates. By the way, I didn't realize that Ethel Merman was gay. Has that been confirmed? In closing, if you're a Hall and Oates fan, I don't know what to say, except possibly that I'm very, very sorry for you.

9/20/2005 05:24:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

-- If you didn't mean to suggest there's anything wrong with homosexuals, and from the content of your other posts I believe you, why is the term "gay" used to connote the negative. I'm not trying to pick on you, but as a gay man this really bothers me and your posts make me think you're someone that will at least think about your usage of the word "gay" to describe things you think are dumb, stupid or bad. This word has really taken on a life of it's own the last few years. Teens and twenty-somethings use this term overwhelmingly to connote ideas they do not like but at the same time they are saying that homosexuality is wrong. If that's not what you mean, you should say "dumb," "stupid," or whatever adjective applies and save "gay" when you're talking about sexuality. Okay, I'll get off my soapbox, but I guess that's what blogs are all about.

-- Argyle

9/20/2005 08:14:00 PM  
Blogger The Fifth Dentist said...

I apologize. I will edit that post to remove the word gay.

9/20/2005 08:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

-- "Insipid" ... ooh I like it. It pretty much describes the 80s. Thank you very much sir blogger!

-- Argyle

9/20/2005 08:49:00 PM  
Blogger plasticdoc said...

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10/29/2005 06:54:00 PM  
Blogger Roger L. Sieloff said...

Q & A and tit for tat
I love it!!

11/05/2005 08:33:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Q: I've always felt that what two consenting adults choose to do in the privacy of their own home is completely disgusting and should be illegal.

I thought the answer should be:
A: Please mr Bush ... don't air your views on MY website!

7/23/2009 07:17:00 AM  
Blogger garydrew01 said...

I really thought this blog is discussing about dentistry. As what the blog title says, "THE FIFTH DENTIST". I must have been mistaken when I read the post. Anyway, I'm looking for some information's regarding dental veneer, do you know some? thanks for sharing:d

10/22/2009 05:16:00 PM  

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