Monday, September 26, 2005

Weekend at Bernie's: The Presidency

Scene: Peterson Air Force Base, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Two men are present; they are political fixer Karl Rove and Presidential Press Secretary Scott McClellan. Also present is a moldy, decaying corpse, stiffened by rigor mortis.

Rove: McClellan, get Bernie and prop him up here by these map displays.

McClellan: We’re gonna get caught this time Karl. They're going to notice he’s dead.

Rove: Stop being a pussy Scott, we’re never going to get caught. Laura hasn’t noticed yet. Now take off Bernie’s pants and get him into this flight suit.

McClellan: But Karl, I don’t understand why he’d be wearing a flight suit to view hurricane preparations…

Rove: Number one, douche bag, you don’t get paid to think, that’s my job. Number two we’re on an Air Force base so the flight suit is perfectly appropriate. We need to remind the American public that he’s a war president. Did you bring the “Mission Accomplished” banner like I told you to?

McClellan: Oh shit, Karl, I forgot …

Rove: You overpriced male escort, must I do everything myself? O.K., did you at least bring the denim work shirt with the sweat stain on the back?

McClellan: Yeah, I’ve got it right here.

Rove: Alright, put him in that and then let Fox News in.

(A third man enters the room. He is Sean Hannity, semi-retarded pretend journalist and administration shill.)

Hannity: Mr. President it’s an honor to speak with you again. (Hannity shakes Bernie’s hand. The hand falls off. Confused, but undeterred, Hannity continues shaking the disembodied hand.)

Hannity: Mr. President, how offended are you by the despicable use of these recent tragedies by those who want to play the “blame game” during a time of national emergency? (Bernie’s head falls off. Hannity doesn’t seem to notice.)

McClellan: I’m afraid that’s all we have time for today Sean…

Hannity: But I’m supposed to ask him about 9/11 and Michael Moore …

Rove: Get the fuck out ape man. (Hannity leaves.) See, McClellan, I told you he wouldn’t notice; now stick Bernie’s head back on. We have to fly back to Crawford for a few more weeks of brush cutting. Uh oh, don’t tell me you didn’t bring his brush cutting outfit?

McClellan: But Karl, he just came back from six weeks of vacation, nobody’s going to believe …

Rove: They’ll believe what I tell them to believe. Alright, new plan, take that flag pole over there and stick it up Bernie’s ass …

Fade to black…

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What really horrifies me is that we don't know what comes next. It won't be Cheney, he's not healthy enough. That means there is some other complete disaster waiting to be dropped on us. Maybe Frist, but I think's he's a toad, definitely no charisma. Although he did flip flop on stem cell research ... who'd have thought a doctor might be in favor of that ... go figure. Maybe Christ will come back and run ... then those neo-christian fascist SOBs will learn a thing or two ...

Hey, how about an episode 1600 Transylvania Avenue starring Count Von Bush ... sucking the blood out of America one soldier at a time.

The Man

9/27/2005 08:51:00 PM  
Blogger The Fifth Dentist said...

I think it will be Jeb v. Al Gore.

9/28/2005 05:18:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Man says ... are you kidding me? You think Gore has more life left? I agree it's probably Jeb for the Red, unless his entire family is incarcerated for drug offenses, but now way does Gore come back. No way, now how! Do you really think so ... ?

9/30/2005 01:47:00 PM  

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