Monday, November 21, 2005

U.S. Officials: al-Zarqawi, Morrison May Have Been Killed In Attack

Mosul, Iraq (AP)—
The U.S. military announced today that it is “quite possible” that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was among those killed in a weekend raid in northern Iraq. The raid took place last Saturday in the northern Iraqi city of Mosul a U.S. counterterrorism expert said. The official said U.S. commanders do not know whether al-Zarqawi -- whom U.S. authorities call al Qaeda's top man in Iraq -- was in the house, which was targeted because suspected al Qaeda members were thought to be inside.

According to the same official, U.S. commanders also cannot rule out the possiblity that former fascist dictator Generalisimo Francisco Franco may also have been killed in the raid, though other intelligence indicates that Franco may have died of natural causes in 1975. The official also refused to rule out the possiblity that Jim Morrison, Ted Kaczinsky, Dr. Joyce Brothers, and the late Nipsy Russell may have been in the house with al-Zarqawi. The official stated that the military must conduct “further tests” to confirm the truth or falsity of any of these rumors but that it is “highly likely that somebody was probably in the house” when it was leveled by U.S. airstikes. “We’re fairly confident that one or more persons of interest possibly including al-Zarqawi were neutralized when the house was destroyed” said the U.S. official

The Mosul attack is part of a series of coordinated strikes on suspected terrorist staging grounds which U.S. commanders have dubbed “Operation Iron Blowtorch.” According to sources inside the Department of Defense, much of the intelligence supporting this operation was extracted from suspects being held at U.S. detention facilities like the one at Guantamo Bay, Cuba. Other intelligence supporting the operation is rumored to have been developed by the Department of Justice’s controversial practice of monitoring activity at U.S. public libraries. According to DOJ officials, al-Zarqawi’s whereabouts were confirmed by the the checkout of “Simple Lessons I learned the Hard Way” by Sarah Ferguson, the former Dutchess of York, at the Palmdale, California public library. The DOJ source stated “our software flagged the checkout of these materials as unlikely to be for legitimate purposes.” The DOJ source refused to comment on how al-Zarqawi’s whereabouts were pinpointed based on the library book.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Justice League: 2005

SCENE: The Oval Office. The President is frantically talking into a red phone on his desk.

THE PRESIDENT: …this is the President calling Justice League … President calling Justice League … come in Justice League … where the hell are you guys?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Justice League here. Sorry Mr. President, I was in the bathroo … answering an emergency call. How can we help you? Gosh it’s been a long time since you picked up the red phone.

THE PRESIDENT: I’m afraid things aren’t going that well lately. I know you guys helped FDR against the Nazis and Japanese during World War II. Well we’re at war again against an equally dangerous enemy and your country needs you desperately.

JUSTICE LEAGUE: That’s why we’re here Mr. President. What do you need us to do?

THE PRESIDENT: Thank god. I’m at my wit’s end over here. Alright, I need Superman, Batman and Captain America to establish a perimeter 50 miles south of Baghdad. Then I need Wonderwoman to …

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Uh, Mr. President, I’m afraid some of the Superheroes you mentioned are no longer with us.

THE PRESIDENT: Oh really? Which ones?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Actually, all of them sir.

THE PRESIDENT: No Superman?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: No.

THE PRESIDENT: Batman?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Sorry.

THE PRESIDENT: OK then, plan B. Just have Aquaman round up about 30 whales off the coast of Basra …

JUSTICE LEAGUE: I’m afraid he’s gone too sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Really? You do still have superheroes in the Justice League don’t you?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh yes sir, we’ve got plenty of superheroes.

THE PRESIDENT: Well would you mind telling me who you’ve got available, I’m in kind of hurry here, we’re losing about twenty soldiers a week in Iraq right now.

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well, Captain Bullshit is available, and also …

THE PRESIDENT: Did you say Captain Bullshit?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Yes sir.

THE PRESIDENT: What exactly can Captain Bullshit do?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh he can put together a video tape splicing together out-of-context sound bites from Democratic politicians speaking about Iraq in 2002.

THE PRESIDENT: What the fuck am I going to do with that? How’s that going to help us win the war?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh, well, it’s not exactly going to help win the war sir but it will spread the blame around a little when we lose.

THE PRESIDENT: Are you fucking kidding me? Who else you got?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well we’ve got Major Salesjob, Lackeyman, the Profiteer, the Green Dollar.

THE PRESIDENT: What can those guys do?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well, Major Salesjob has pretty much the same powers as Captain Bullshit. Uh, Lackeyman, will tell you that everything is going OK and you’ll be able to at least sleep a little better at night. The Profiteer pretty much just tries to find ways to make money on the war. The Green Dollar is pretty much the same as the Profiteer.

THE PRESIDENT: Jesus Christ. What happened to the kinds of superheroes that can run through a machine gun position or crash through a wall? Do we have anybody like that?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Uh, no sir, I’m afraid we don’t. Oh, wait a minute, I just remembered that the Blue Smear just finished his prior mission and is now available.

THE PRESIDENT: Great, what can he do? Can he locate buried explosives with his X-ray vision?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: No sir. But he can dig up dirt about your political opponents and make them unelectable.

THE PRESIDENT: I'm so fucked.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Bushigan's Island

Just grab your sack and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of a total crock
That started with some yellow cake
And ended with Iraq

The Pres was a mighty drinking man
The Veep was a big fat shit
A hundred million bags of douche
Had voted for this twit … had voted for this twit

The weather started getting rough
And FEMA came up short
Then he tried to put his typist
On the nation’s highest court … the nation’s highest court

The ship sunk ground on a shore of this
Unfriendly mid-east pile

With Bushigan …
Dick Cheney too …
Jack Abramoff …
And Delay
Miss Harriet …
…and Brownie too …
Are here on Bushigan’s Isle

… … … … … …

This is the tale of our country now
We’re fucked for a long, long time
We’ll have to make the best of things
Until two thousand nine

The children of the right-wing nuts
Who watch this and applaud
Will someday clean the toilets
In the fucking House of Saud

No brains, no plans, no Geneva rights
Not a single moral qualm
Like Kissinger and Nixon
They’ll drop some more napalm

So join us here each week my friends
You’re sure to need a smile
With things as badly fucked as this
Here on Bushigan’s Isle