Friday, November 18, 2005

Justice League: 2005

SCENE: The Oval Office. The President is frantically talking into a red phone on his desk.

THE PRESIDENT: …this is the President calling Justice League … President calling Justice League … come in Justice League … where the hell are you guys?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Justice League here. Sorry Mr. President, I was in the bathroo … answering an emergency call. How can we help you? Gosh it’s been a long time since you picked up the red phone.

THE PRESIDENT: I’m afraid things aren’t going that well lately. I know you guys helped FDR against the Nazis and Japanese during World War II. Well we’re at war again against an equally dangerous enemy and your country needs you desperately.

JUSTICE LEAGUE: That’s why we’re here Mr. President. What do you need us to do?

THE PRESIDENT: Thank god. I’m at my wit’s end over here. Alright, I need Superman, Batman and Captain America to establish a perimeter 50 miles south of Baghdad. Then I need Wonderwoman to …

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Uh, Mr. President, I’m afraid some of the Superheroes you mentioned are no longer with us.

THE PRESIDENT: Oh really? Which ones?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Actually, all of them sir.





THE PRESIDENT: OK then, plan B. Just have Aquaman round up about 30 whales off the coast of Basra …

JUSTICE LEAGUE: I’m afraid he’s gone too sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Really? You do still have superheroes in the Justice League don’t you?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh yes sir, we’ve got plenty of superheroes.

THE PRESIDENT: Well would you mind telling me who you’ve got available, I’m in kind of hurry here, we’re losing about twenty soldiers a week in Iraq right now.

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well, Captain Bullshit is available, and also …

THE PRESIDENT: Did you say Captain Bullshit?


THE PRESIDENT: What exactly can Captain Bullshit do?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh he can put together a video tape splicing together out-of-context sound bites from Democratic politicians speaking about Iraq in 2002.

THE PRESIDENT: What the fuck am I going to do with that? How’s that going to help us win the war?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh, well, it’s not exactly going to help win the war sir but it will spread the blame around a little when we lose.

THE PRESIDENT: Are you fucking kidding me? Who else you got?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well we’ve got Major Salesjob, Lackeyman, the Profiteer, the Green Dollar.

THE PRESIDENT: What can those guys do?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well, Major Salesjob has pretty much the same powers as Captain Bullshit. Uh, Lackeyman, will tell you that everything is going OK and you’ll be able to at least sleep a little better at night. The Profiteer pretty much just tries to find ways to make money on the war. The Green Dollar is pretty much the same as the Profiteer.

THE PRESIDENT: Jesus Christ. What happened to the kinds of superheroes that can run through a machine gun position or crash through a wall? Do we have anybody like that?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Uh, no sir, I’m afraid we don’t. Oh, wait a minute, I just remembered that the Blue Smear just finished his prior mission and is now available.

THE PRESIDENT: Great, what can he do? Can he locate buried explosives with his X-ray vision?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: No sir. But he can dig up dirt about your political opponents and make them unelectable.

THE PRESIDENT: I'm so fucked.


Blogger The Vulgarian said...

Fun - fun. Thank you for keeping it going.

11/23/2005 04:26:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, whatever happened to Aquaman? He was always my favorite.


12/09/2005 10:12:00 PM  
Blogger The Fifth Dentist said...

Aquaman was eliminated due to budget cuts in 2002.

12/11/2005 09:21:00 AM  
Blogger Ruvy in Jerusalem said...

Man, when the Justice League goes to pot, whatá guy to do? Get high?

9/28/2006 10:18:00 AM  

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