Saturday, January 21, 2006

Today’s Headlines … Minus The Bullshit

Republicans Vow To Clean Up Washington. In Related News, Satan Vows to Clean up Hell.

U.S. Kills Bin Laden’s Number Two (Again) Bringing Total to Two Number Threes, a Number Four and Three Number Fives. Pentagon Bemoans That We’re Not Playing Stratego. Unfazed Bin Laden To Continue Issuing New Recordings at Same Rate as Eminem.

Whale Stranded in River Thames Dies: Prince Andrew Unavailable for Comment about Death of Former Spouse.

Hamas Poised to Defeat Fatah in Palestinian Elections. Hamas Leader Barghouti Refers to Self as “Compassionate Conservative” stating: “I’m a Uniter not a Disemboweler, Well, Actually, I Like Both.”

U.S. Allows Cuban National Team To Compete in World Baseball Classic: As Part of Deal, Cuba Agrees to Take Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Bond’s Aston Martin from “Goldfinger” Sells for 2.1 Million: Still no Takers for Yugo from “A View To A Kill”.

Scientists Find “No Link” Between Cell Phone Use and Brain Cancer: Remain Unsure about Link Between Internet Use and Masturbation.

Nagin Says New Orleans to be Rebuilt As “Chocolate City.” Outraged Frankenberry Threatens Lawsuit.

Robertson Attributes Sharon Stroke to Divine Retribution. Astonished Deity Denies Talking To Robertson, Claims Sharon was “Old and Overweight.”