THE FIFTH DENTIST

Today’s Headlines … Minus The Bullshit

2006-01-21T17:45:00.000-08:00

Republicans Vow To Clean Up Washington. In Related News, Satan Vows to Clean up Hell.

U.S. Kills Bin Laden’s Number Two (Again) Bringing Total to Two Number Threes, a Number Four and Three Number Fives. Pentagon Bemoans That We’re Not Playing Stratego. Unfazed Bin Laden To Continue Issuing New Recordings at Same Rate as Eminem.

Whale Stranded in River Thames Dies: Prince Andrew Unavailable for Comment about Death of Former Spouse.

Hamas Poised to Defeat Fatah in Palestinian Elections. Hamas Leader Barghouti Refers to Self as “Compassionate Conservative” stating: “I’m a Uniter not a Disemboweler, Well, Actually, I Like Both.”

U.S. Allows Cuban National Team To Compete in World Baseball Classic: As Part of Deal, Cuba Agrees to Take Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Bond’s Aston Martin from “Goldfinger” Sells for 2.1 Million: Still no Takers for Yugo from “A View To A Kill”.

Scientists Find “No Link” Between Cell Phone Use and Brain Cancer: Remain Unsure about Link Between Internet Use and Masturbation.

Nagin Says New Orleans to be Rebuilt As “Chocolate City.” Outraged Frankenberry Threatens Lawsuit.

Robertson Attributes Sharon Stroke to Divine Retribution. Astonished Deity Denies Talking To Robertson, Claims Sharon was “Old and Overweight.”

Newly Discovered Federalist Paper Says President Is Infallible

2005-12-24T06:41:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday, Vice President Dick Cheney made a startling discovery with historic implications. While cleaning out some papers from an antique desk, the Vice President apparently discovered a new “Federalist Paper” hitherto lost to history. The Federalist Papers were a series of eighty-five articles written under the pen name “Publius” by Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, and John Jay in late 18th century. Their purpose was to gain popular support for the proposed Constitution. It now appears that an eighty-sixth paper by these founding fathers was lost to history for over two centuries. Even more startling is that the essay appears to directly contradict many of the previous Federalist Papers. Constitutional experts believe that this discovery may result in significant reinterpretation of the doctrine of “separation of powers” as well as reconsideration of the relationship between the President and Congress.

The first hint of a change in tone from earlier Federalist Papers is the surprisingly strident title of the new paper: “Why Congress Should Go Fuck Itself.” The paper presents a less enthusiastic attitude toward the separation of powers doctrine than Federalist 51 which states: “the constant aim is to divide and arrange the several offices in such a manner as that each may be a check on the other -- that the private interest of every individual may be a sentinel over the public rights.” Regarding the relationship of the President and Congress, Federalist 51 states that “in republican government, the legislative authority necessarily predominates.” In contrast, the new paper addresses these issues by stating only that: “Congress should do what it’s told like a little bitch.”

The new paper also seems to take a broader view of the President’s war powers than was expressed in Federalist 69 which explains that the President’s powers as commander-in-chief “amount to nothing more than the supreme command and direction of the military and naval forces” while all other powers “appertain to the legislature.” In contrast, the new paper states: “the President, as the physical embodiment of the American people, is the owner of the state, and may dispose of his property, including persons suspected of un-American activities, as he wishes.”

All of this would seem to be a notable departure from the tone of Federalist 70 which argued against concentrating too much power in the hands of one man particularly during times of war:

“Every man the least conversant in Roman story, knows how often that republic was obliged to take refuge in the absolute power of a single man, under the formidable title of Dictator, as well against the intrigues of ambitious individuals who aspired to the tyranny, and the seditions of whole classes of the community whose conduct threatened the existence of all government, as against the invasions of external enemies who menaced the conquest and destruction of Rome. […] Man, in public trust, will much oftener act in such a manner as to render him unworthy of being any longer trusted, than in such a manner as to make him obnoxious to legal punishment.”

Constitutional experts were unavailable to comment on this last passage as they had been taken into custody at an undisclosed location.

How To Sell The Patriot Act

2005-12-16T17:28:00.000-08:00

SCENE: A supermarket. A woman is picking up and examining various brands of bathroom tissue. Unable to tell the difference between two leading brands, she absent-mindedly tosses one in her shopping cart. As she does this, President George W. Bush steps from behind a display of paper towels.

THE PRESIDENT: Excuse me ma’am. I couldn’t help but notice that you just picked the store brand of bathroom tissue. Can I ask why?

WOMAN: Oh, well I suppose they’re all the same. Bathroom tissue is bathroom tissue.

THE PRESIDENT: That’s where you’re wrong. Some bathroom tissue is more equal than others. Uh, ARE more equals than others. I mean, some are more better than the ones that are less good. Oh, you know what I mean. Anyway, that’s why I always recommend Patriot Act Bathroom Tissue. (He holds up a package of bathroom tissue for the camera. The package contains a large smiling picture of George W. Bush. ) It’s the only brand I ever use, and the only brand I allow in the White House and on Air Force One.

WOMAN: What’s so special about Patriot Act?

THE PRESIDENT: It’s made with real pieces of the U.S. Constitution. Here take a closer look. (He hands her a piece of toilet tissue on which the words “We the people” can clearly be seen.) See, there’s the preamble right there. And that’s not just stamped on there. That is an actual piece of parchment from one of the original copies of the constitution produced in 1789.

WOMAN: Wow. That must be expensive?

THE PRESIDENT: Well sure, Patriot Act costs a little more, but believe me, it’s worth it. Every morning after I jog three miles and eat a healthy breakfast, I like to retire to the powder room with my Patriot Act and the junior jumble. It’s one of the few places I can relax in peace. But Patriot Act will make anyone feel like a pampered chief executive. This morning, I wiped myself with the Fourth and Thirteenth Amendments.

WOMAN: But isn’t parchment abrasive?

THE PRESIDENT: No that’s a common misconception. Eighteenth century parchment is actually twice as soft as a Presidential Daily Briefing and three times as absorbent as the paper used in most basic science textbooks.

WOMAN: Wow. I’m sold. I think I’ll give Patriot Act a try. (She puts the store brand bathroom tissue back on the shelf and picks up a package of Patriot Act.) Hey, this roll has part of the Fifth Amendment.

ANNOUNCER: New Patriot Act bathroom tissue. Wipe your ass with the U.S. Constitution just like George W. Bush.

U.S. Officials: al-Zarqawi, Morrison May Have Been Killed In Attack

2005-11-21T05:57:00.000-08:00

Mosul, Iraq (AP)—
The U.S. military announced today that it is “quite possible” that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was among those killed in a weekend raid in northern Iraq. The raid took place last Saturday in the northern Iraqi city of Mosul a U.S. counterterrorism expert said. The official said U.S. commanders do not know whether al-Zarqawi -- whom U.S. authorities call al Qaeda's top man in Iraq -- was in the house, which was targeted because suspected al Qaeda members were thought to be inside.

According to the same official, U.S. commanders also cannot rule out the possiblity that former fascist dictator Generalisimo Francisco Franco may also have been killed in the raid, though other intelligence indicates that Franco may have died of natural causes in 1975. The official also refused to rule out the possiblity that Jim Morrison, Ted Kaczinsky, Dr. Joyce Brothers, and the late Nipsy Russell may have been in the house with al-Zarqawi. The official stated that the military must conduct “further tests” to confirm the truth or falsity of any of these rumors but that it is “highly likely that somebody was probably in the house” when it was leveled by U.S. airstikes. “We’re fairly confident that one or more persons of interest possibly including al-Zarqawi were neutralized when the house was destroyed” said the U.S. official

The Mosul attack is part of a series of coordinated strikes on suspected terrorist staging grounds which U.S. commanders have dubbed “Operation Iron Blowtorch.” According to sources inside the Department of Defense, much of the intelligence supporting this operation was extracted from suspects being held at U.S. detention facilities like the one at Guantamo Bay, Cuba. Other intelligence supporting the operation is rumored to have been developed by the Department of Justice’s controversial practice of monitoring activity at U.S. public libraries. According to DOJ officials, al-Zarqawi’s whereabouts were confirmed by the the checkout of “Simple Lessons I learned the Hard Way” by Sarah Ferguson, the former Dutchess of York, at the Palmdale, California public library. The DOJ source stated “our software flagged the checkout of these materials as unlikely to be for legitimate purposes.” The DOJ source refused to comment on how al-Zarqawi’s whereabouts were pinpointed based on the library book.

Justice League: 2005

2005-11-18T17:39:00.000-08:00

SCENE: The Oval Office. The President is frantically talking into a red phone on his desk.

THE PRESIDENT: …this is the President calling Justice League … President calling Justice League … come in Justice League … where the hell are you guys?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Justice League here. Sorry Mr. President, I was in the bathroo … answering an emergency call. How can we help you? Gosh it’s been a long time since you picked up the red phone.

THE PRESIDENT: I’m afraid things aren’t going that well lately. I know you guys helped FDR against the Nazis and Japanese during World War II. Well we’re at war again against an equally dangerous enemy and your country needs you desperately.

JUSTICE LEAGUE: That’s why we’re here Mr. President. What do you need us to do?

THE PRESIDENT: Thank god. I’m at my wit’s end over here. Alright, I need Superman, Batman and Captain America to establish a perimeter 50 miles south of Baghdad. Then I need Wonderwoman to …

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Uh, Mr. President, I’m afraid some of the Superheroes you mentioned are no longer with us.

THE PRESIDENT: Oh really? Which ones?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Actually, all of them sir.

THE PRESIDENT: No Superman?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: No.

THE PRESIDENT: Batman?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Sorry.

THE PRESIDENT: OK then, plan B. Just have Aquaman round up about 30 whales off the coast of Basra …

JUSTICE LEAGUE: I’m afraid he’s gone too sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Really? You do still have superheroes in the Justice League don’t you?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh yes sir, we’ve got plenty of superheroes.

THE PRESIDENT: Well would you mind telling me who you’ve got available, I’m in kind of hurry here, we’re losing about twenty soldiers a week in Iraq right now.

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well, Captain Bullshit is available, and also …

THE PRESIDENT: Did you say Captain Bullshit?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Yes sir.

THE PRESIDENT: What exactly can Captain Bullshit do?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh he can put together a video tape splicing together out-of-context sound bites from Democratic politicians speaking about Iraq in 2002.

THE PRESIDENT: What the fuck am I going to do with that? How’s that going to help us win the war?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh, well, it’s not exactly going to help win the war sir but it will spread the blame around a little when we lose.

THE PRESIDENT: Are you fucking kidding me? Who else you got?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well we’ve got Major Salesjob, Lackeyman, the Profiteer, the Green Dollar.

THE PRESIDENT: What can those guys do?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well, Major Salesjob has pretty much the same powers as Captain Bullshit. Uh, Lackeyman, will tell you that everything is going OK and you’ll be able to at least sleep a little better at night. The Profiteer pretty much just tries to find ways to make money on the war. The Green Dollar is pretty much the same as the Profiteer.

THE PRESIDENT: Jesus Christ. What happened to the kinds of superheroes that can run through a machine gun position or crash through a wall? Do we have anybody like that?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Uh, no sir, I’m afraid we don’t. Oh, wait a minute, I just remembered that the Blue Smear just finished his prior mission and is now available.

THE PRESIDENT: Great, what can he do? Can he locate buried explosives with his X-ray vision?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: No sir. But he can dig up dirt about your political opponents and make them unelectable.

THE PRESIDENT: I'm so fucked.

Bushigan's Island

2005-11-05T19:23:00.000-08:00

Just grab your sack and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of a total crock
That started with some yellow cake
And ended with Iraq

The Pres was a mighty drinking man
The Veep was a big fat shit
A hundred million bags of douche
Had voted for this twit … had voted for this twit

The weather started getting rough
And FEMA came up short
Then he tried to put his typist
On the nation’s highest court … the nation’s highest court

The ship sunk ground on a shore of this
Unfriendly mid-east pile

With Bushigan …
Dick Cheney too …
Jack Abramoff …
And Delay
Miss Harriet …
…and Brownie too …
Are here on Bushigan’s Isle

… … … … … …

This is the tale of our country now
We’re fucked for a long, long time
We’ll have to make the best of things
Until two thousand nine

The children of the right-wing nuts
Who watch this and applaud
Will someday clean the toilets
In the fucking House of Saud

No brains, no plans, no Geneva rights
Not a single moral qualm
Like Kissinger and Nixon
They’ll drop some more napalm

So join us here each week my friends
You’re sure to need a smile
With things as badly fucked as this
Here on Bushigan’s Isle

Scenes We’d Like To See (with apologies to Mad Magazine)

2005-10-18T08:10:00.000-07:00

Scene 1: White House press Corps Gives Scott McClellan an Atomic Wedgie

DAVID GREGORY: ... Scott aren't you contradicting what you told us five minutes ago?

McCLELLAN: ... I didn't tell you anything five minutes ago, I was just clearing my throat ...

DAVID GREGORY: ... OK guys, grab him and hold him down ...

McCLELLAN: NO!!! Don't ... waughh!!!

(Ripping sound is heard as the wasteband of McClellan's underpants is stretched over his head)

McCLELLAN: (sobbing)

--------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2: Harriett Miers Confirmation Hearing

SEN. SCHUMER: Ms. Miers do you really consider yourself to be the most qualified person for this appointment?

HARRIET MIERS: Yes I do, Senator.

SEN. SCHUMER: Then can you explain it to me? It seems there are hundreds if not thousands of judges, law school professors, and legal scholars who are far more qualified than you.

HARRIET MIERS: Senator, I earned this appointment. Do you have any idea how much ass I had to kiss to get here? How many idiotic birthday cards I had to send with insipid inscriptions? How long I’ve had to kow-tow to morons? This eye makeup? Do you think I wanted to dress like this? But I hung in there and I earned this fucking appointment and …
… I’ve blown it haven’t I?

SEN. SCHUMER: Yeah.

HARRIER MIERS: Shit.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3: Karl Rove Is Arrested

ROVE: You know you’ve got no case Patrick. Nobody is going to talk. I’m not going to tell you anything. You’re just destroying your own legal career. I’ll personally see to it that your next job is at some legal aid clinic.

PATRICK FITZGERALD: Why don’t we talk about it on the way to the airport.

ROVE: The airport? What are you talking about? Aren’t we going to the Justice Department?

PATRICK FITZGERALD: No actually I’m taking you to Guantanamo for a few months of questioning. Don’t worry, it’s all perfectly legal.

ROVE: Shit.
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Scene 4: Mike Brown’s Next Job

BROWNIE: Would you like to supersize that?

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Scene 5: William Bennett in It’s a Wonderful Life

(A cemetery.) Upon the tombstone is engraved a name, Ronald Reagan. Feverishly William Bennett scrapes away the snow covering the rest of the inscription, and we read: "IN MEMORY OF OUR BELOVED GOVERNOR – RONALD REAGAN – 1911-1967"

CLARENCE: Your hero, Ronald Reagan was killed after ordering police to fire at an anti-war protest in Los Angeles in 1967 at the age of 56.

(Bennett jumps up.)

BENNETT: That’s a lie! Ronald Reagan was president for two terms. He started the modern conservative movement. He invaded Grenada!

CLARENCE: (sadly) You see William, Martin Luther King was never born because all black children had been aborted so the riot wasn't averted. Reagan wasn’t there to start the conservative movement because King wasn’t there to save Reagan. Walter Mondale was President for two terms. Grenada is still under Cuban control because Reagan wasn’t there to invade it. Don’t you see William, black people have really had wonderfully useful lives. Don’t you see what a mistake it would be to throw them all away?

BENNETT: Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence. Get them back. Get them back. I don't care what happens to me. Only get me back my black friends. Help me, Clarence, please! Please! I want them to live again!

CLARENCE: Shit.

Justice Is Served Up Hot (and Gay) in the Virginia Governor’s Race

2005-10-16T14:08:00.000-07:00

Ironic justice is being served in this year’s Virginia governor’s race as anti-gay Republican candidate Jerry Kilgore finds himself on the receiving end of a damaging rumor inferring that he is secretly gay. Kilgore, who is married with two children, would seem an unlikely target for this treatment, unless you’d actually heard him speak. Based solely on hearing his effeminate voice, one would imagine Kilgore to be a cross between Jim J. Bullock and Paul Linde. Apparently Kilgore’s voice is so stereotypically gay sounding that this rumor is not being dispelled even by his website’s proud boast that he is vehemently opposed to both gay unions and gay adoption. Presumably Kilgore feels that if a gay man wants to have children, he should marry a beard and squeeze out a couple of drops under duress like he has.

I’d feel bad for Kilgore if not for two things. The first is that Republican George Allen successfully used a similar anti-gay smear campaign against his opponent Mary Sue Terry in his 1993 campaign for Virginia Governor. So payback is in order here. The second reason not to feel bad for Kilgore is the ridiculously distasteful series of television commercials he has employed against his Democratic opponent Tim Kaine. The subject of these commercials is Kaine’s opposition to the death penalty. In these spots, relatives of murder victims imply that Kaine killed their family members. In one commercial, a family member notes that Kaine would not have supported the execution of Adolph Hitler (as if Hitler plans to move to Richmond when Kaine is elected.)

While I don’t condone gay baiting, I do find it entertaining to see a typical gay bashing Republican like Kilgore being destroyed by the lies, stereotypes, and hatred against gays that he and his party have fostered for political gain. It reminds me of Melvin Van Peebles’ great 1970 film “Watermelon Man” in which a racist wakes up one morning to find out that overnight he’s become a black man. Hopefully, like Godfrey Cambridge in that film, Kilgore will learn what it’s like to walk in somebody else’s loafers. Somehow I doubt it. But I am confident that this campaign will be fertile material for future historians trying to document the decline of civilization into a new dark age. That’s something positive at least.

The McCain Anti-Torture Amendment

2005-10-11T18:11:00.000-07:00

The President takes a question:

Today's Comic

2005-10-08T06:54:00.000-07:00

I hope I'm not going to get sued for this.

Bush the Bibliophile

2005-10-06T19:24:00.000-07:00

President George W. Bush has a voracious appetite for reading. On his most recent five week vacation, his pleasure reading is said to have included three dense five-hundred page tomes. These were: Salt: A World History by Mark Kurlansky, The Last Great Tsar by Edvard Radzinsky and The Great Influenza: The Epic Story of the Deadliest Plague in History by John Barry. Not one Harry Potter novel in this lot. This is a particularly impressive reading list considering that the President was on a “working vacation.” The President even mentioned at his press conference on Tuesday that “Mr. Barry’s book” about the 1919 flu epidemic helped inform his thinking about the possible desirability of declaring a nation-wide state of martial law in the event of an avian flu epidemic.

Other evidence suggests that the President indeed loves books. In May, the President was seen walking around his Crawford ranch (during a different five week vacation) carrying Tom Wolfe’s six hundred eighty-eight page novel I am Charlotte Simmons. At first, there was a mystery concerning the fact that the President had reported finishing the book several months earlier. The mystery was solved when the President’s handlers explained that one of the President’s biking partners had recently returned the book after borrowing it. That a multi-millionaire such as the President would request a $15.95 book back demonstrates that he is indeed a bibliophile. I for one am glad that the person representing me in negotiations with North Korea has just reportedly finished reading Kang Chol-Hwan’s The Aquariums of Pyong Yang.

Given the President’s well-established intellectualism, two things are surprising. The first is the rather unjustifiably low regard for the President in the rest of the World. In the “Global Election” survey recently conducted by the BBC, President Bush finished in forty-third place based on the responses of 15,000 participants voting for a hypothetical unified world leader. This was a disappointing forty-one spots behind former President Bill Clinton who placed second and only twenty-seven spots ahead of Osama Bin Laden who placed seventieth.

The second paradox is that although the president likes to read long, dense treatises in his spare time, when he’s on the job he reportedly likes information to be delivered to him in short, monosyllabic memos which are monolithically clean of divergent opinions. An example of the type of materials used in these “Presidential Daily Briefings” is the famous PDB for August 6, 2001 reprinted below:

While it does seem rather strange that a man who apparently reads volume J of the encyclopedia when he takes a dump would choose to be briefed in this manner for the most important job in the world, it just goes to show that even the greatest human beings remain a mass of contradictions

Sugarland, TX Police Blotter for Week Ending 10/1/05:

2005-10-05T05:41:00.000-07:00

The following incidents occurred in and around Sugarland, TX during the week listed above. Persons having information about unsolved crimes are requested to call the non-emergency phone number of Sugarland Police Department.

9/25/05 4:30 pm, North Sugarland Retirment Home: Suspect entered retirement home and approached several elderly residents claiming to be “the wallet inspector.” When one resident complied with suspect’s request to hand over his wallet for inspection, suspect refused to return the wallet and fled from the premises on foot. Suspect is described as a male, 55 – 60 years old, approximately 5 feet seven inches tall and 180 lbs. wearing a blue suit, red striped tie, and american flag lapel pin.

9/26/05 11:30 pm, 1200 block of Main Street: Six parking meters were vandalized and approximately $65 dollars in small change was taken. Suspect is described as a male, 55 – 60 years old, approximately 5 feet seven inches tall and 180 lbs. wearing a blue suit, red striped tie, and American flag lapel pin.

9/27/05 3:00 pm, area adjacent to Sugarland Elementary School: Suspect approached 7-year old child walking home from school. Suspect asked child if he could examine child’s “Shrek-2” lunch box. Suspect then fled on foot with lunch box. Suspect is described as a male, 55 – 60 years old, approximately 5 feet seven inches tall and 180 lbs. wearing a blue suit, red striped tie, and American flag lapel pin.

9/28/05 1:15 am, parking lot of 7-11 convenience store, 900 block S. Maple Street: Two teenage girls were approached by a naked man wearing only american flag lapel pin over his genital region. Suspect demanded that girls “salute the flag.” When the girls refused, supect angrily accused them of “not supporting the troops.” Suspect then fled on foot. Suspect is described as male, 55 – 60 years old, approximately 5 feet seven inches tall and 180 lbs., with prominent tattoo of Wayne Newton on left buttock.

9/31/05 6:00 pm, 400 block of N. Utah Street: Suspect claiming to be law enforcement officer was admitted to private residence. Suspect claimed to be collecting donations for police widows and orphans fund. When homeowner went upstairs to retrieve check book and returned to front door he discovered that the suspect had left. Homeowner later discovered human feces in front hall closet. Suspect is described as a male, 55 – 60 years old, approximately 5 feet seven inches tall and 180 lbs. wearing a blue suit, red striped tie, and American flag lapel pin.

Harriet, Could You Please Come In Here ...

2005-10-03T17:11:00.000-07:00

THE PRESIDENT: Karl, I’ve decided to appoint Brownie to the open seat on the Supreme Court. He did a heck of a job in New Orleans. You know I used to go there and get shit faced when I was governor…

ROVE: Mr. President, I’d have to advise you against that.

THE PRESIDENT: What do you mean?

ROVE: That appointment would be harshly criticized.

THE PRESIDENT: Oh, I get you. You mean because we need another woman to replace Sandy O’Connor.

ROVE: Uh … yeah.

THE PRESIDENT: Alright well we know some women Karl. How about Condi, she’s fuckin-A smart. She kicked my ass at scrabble the other night. Hey is “didactic” really a word or was she just fucking with me?

ROVE: Yeah I believe it’s a word. You know she’s not technically a lawyer … which while not strictly necessary is sort of customary … plus you already appointed her Secretary of State …

THE PRESIDENT: Damn, that slipped my mind, hey, how’s she doing with that? Oh I’ve got it! What about Jenna or Barbara. They're college graduates, one of ‘em went to Yale …

ROVE: I don’t think that the Senate …

THE PRESIDENT: Shit Karl, if you’re gonna be a dick about this we’re gonna be here all night. (The President pushes the intercom button on his desk.) Harriet, could you bring in two coffees for me and Karl, we’re gonna be here a while…

Court To Decide Whether Intelligent Design Proponents Can Be Fired For Scientific Beliefs

2005-10-01T17:48:00.000-07:00

Dover, PA -- A federal judge in Pennsylvania began hearing arguments last Monday in a lawsuit that legal experts say could allow employers to finally rid themselves of problem employees without fear of being sued for religious-based discrimination. At issue is whether intelligent design theory is a religious belief protected by Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 or whether it is a scientific theory entitled to no protection under current workplace anti-discrimination statutes.

Proponents of intelligent design theory believe that the structure of life on Earth is too complex to have evolved through natural selection, challenging a core principle of the biological theory launched by Charles Darwin’s “The Origin of Species” in 1859. According to the National Private Employer’s Council, a Washington D.C. based research group, proponents of intelligent design are among the worst employees in the country. An NPEC press release stated that “[o]n average these employees use twice as much sick leave as other employees, are involved in three times as many workplace accidents, usually involving staplers, and demonstrate relatively poor personal hygiene.” Until now, employers have been hesitant to dismiss these employees for fear of being sued under Title VII. One CEO, speaking anonymously stated “if the court rules that intelligent design is a scientific theory and not a religious belief, we’ll have the pink slips ready to go out within 24 hours.”

The aspect of the case most puzzling to legal scholars is that the attorneys representing the intelligent design movement are arguing against Title VII protection for employees espousing intelligent design. Professor Gary Stimson of Cornell Law School stated that the intelligent design side “appears to be undercutting its own case when they could easily admit to being creationists and thereby receive the full protection of Title VII.”
Attorneys for the intelligent design movement refused to comment on this story. However, one attorney speaking anonymously admitted “we were so focused on getting this stuff into public schools that we didn’t even consider the workplace discrimination issues, obviously we f-cked up.”

Fredo Makes a Mistake

2005-09-29T07:43:00.000-07:00

SCENE: The White House. Mike Brown sits on the couch. The President sits in the chair opposite Brown.

BROWN: (after a pause) I don't have a lot to say, Mr. President.

THE PRESIDENT: We have time. (Brown gets up, walks to the window overlooking the Rose Garden.)

BROWN: I didn't know he was from the National Enquirer. I swear to you I didn't know. The guy contacted me and said he wanted to talk. He said he was writing a favorable story about our hurricane response and there was a place for me in it if I could help him out. He said you were too busy to talk and if he had a little bit of help about your drinking problem he could write it fast and it would be good for you.

THE PRESIDENT: And you believed that story?

BROWN: He said there was something good in it for me ... me on my own.

THE PRESIDENT: I've always taken care of you Brownie.

BROWN: Taken care of me? Mr. President, I’m the FEMA director, and you take care of me? Did you ever think of that. Ever once? Send Brownie off to do this, send Brownie to take care of that ... take care of some little unimportant tropical storm here, and there; pick somebody up at the airport. Mr. President I was stepped over!

THE PRESIDENT: It's the way Dick Cheney wanted it.

BROWN: It wasn't the way I wanted it! I can handle things. I'm not dumb. Christ, not like everyone says. I'm smart; and I want respect.

THE PRESIDENT: There's nothing more you can tell me about this drinking story?

BROWN: I also told them that when you choked on the pretzel, they found you lying In your own vomit with a beer bong on your head.

THE PRESIDENT: You're nothing to me now, Brownie. Not a FEMA director, not a friend, I don't want to know you, or what happens to you. I don't want to see you in New Orleans, or near the White House. When you visit Joe Albaugh, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. Do you understand?

(The President turns, and starts to leave. A frightened voicebehind him:)

BROWN: W?

(The President doesn't stop, doesn't turn back. He continues out the door of the office. Karl Rove stops by him.)

THE PRESIDENT: I don't want anything to happen to him while Joe Albaugh's alive.

(The President leaves.)

Weekend at Bernie's: The Presidency

2005-09-26T18:29:00.000-07:00

Scene: Peterson Air Force Base, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Two men are present; they are political fixer Karl Rove and Presidential Press Secretary Scott McClellan. Also present is a moldy, decaying corpse, stiffened by rigor mortis.

Rove: McClellan, get Bernie and prop him up here by these map displays.

McClellan: We’re gonna get caught this time Karl. They're going to notice he’s dead.

Rove: Stop being a pussy Scott, we’re never going to get caught. Laura hasn’t noticed yet. Now take off Bernie’s pants and get him into this flight suit.

McClellan: But Karl, I don’t understand why he’d be wearing a flight suit to view hurricane preparations…

Rove: Number one, douche bag, you don’t get paid to think, that’s my job. Number two we’re on an Air Force base so the flight suit is perfectly appropriate. We need to remind the American public that he’s a war president. Did you bring the “Mission Accomplished” banner like I told you to?

McClellan: Oh shit, Karl, I forgot …

Rove: You overpriced male escort, must I do everything myself? O.K., did you at least bring the denim work shirt with the sweat stain on the back?

McClellan: Yeah, I’ve got it right here.

Rove: Alright, put him in that and then let Fox News in.

(A third man enters the room. He is Sean Hannity, semi-retarded pretend journalist and administration shill.)

Hannity: Mr. President it’s an honor to speak with you again. (Hannity shakes Bernie’s hand. The hand falls off. Confused, but undeterred, Hannity continues shaking the disembodied hand.)

Hannity: Mr. President, how offended are you by the despicable use of these recent tragedies by those who want to play the “blame game” during a time of national emergency? (Bernie’s head falls off. Hannity doesn’t seem to notice.)

McClellan: I’m afraid that’s all we have time for today Sean…

Hannity: But I’m supposed to ask him about 9/11 and Michael Moore …

Rove: Get the fuck out ape man. (Hannity leaves.) See, McClellan, I told you he wouldn’t notice; now stick Bernie’s head back on. We have to fly back to Crawford for a few more weeks of brush cutting. Uh oh, don’t tell me you didn’t bring his brush cutting outfit?

McClellan: But Karl, he just came back from six weeks of vacation, nobody’s going to believe …

Rove: They’ll believe what I tell them to believe. Alright, new plan, take that flag pole over there and stick it up Bernie’s ass …

Fade to black…

Bush: U.S. Must Work to Join Third World

2005-09-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

Speaking to a crowd of enthusiastic supporters, President George Bush stated today that while he’s pleased with the work his administration has done so far, the United States still has “a long way to go” to be a true third world country. “We’re not all the way there yet but I can report that the finish line is finally in sight.”

In the main body of his remarks, the president stated:

We still have a decent health care system which is accessible to almost half the population. Obviously we need to get that down to around ten percent. Also, child labor is still technically illegal in most states which hurts us in competition with countries like Bangladesh and Indonesia. The minimum wage needs to be brought down to about $0.25 per hour. Education is also a key. Too much time is being wasted on science and math putting our kids at a serious disadvantage to those in Afghanistan and the Sudan where four to five hours a day are spent in religious training. I’m also concerned about water and air quality. I’m proud of what we’ve done on water quality in Louisiana and I want to credit Mike Brown for doing a heck of job with that. Brownie, stand up and take a bow. But we’ve got 52 more states where people just turn on the tap and drink freely regardless of their economic station. That needs to change.

The President said he was “heartened” by the remarks of Archbishop Paul Cordes, the Vatican Emissary to the United States sent to bring aid to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. After touring Louisiana and Mississippi last week the Archibishop called poverty levels there “shameful.” In thanking Cordes for his kind remarks, President Bush noted that the Archbishop has “seen some of the poorest and most blighted parts of the earth” and that “it really means something for Cordie to be impressed by our poverty levels.”

In closing, the president asked for the country to be patient. “I think most people understand that I can’t undo eight years of the Clinton administration overnight. Paraphrasing Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., the President concluded: "I may not get there with you, but my brother Jeb probably will.”

Gilligan's Island: An Empirical Study

2005-09-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

Seemingly for the first time since the Harlem Globetrotters departed, Gilligan’s Island is newsworthy due the recent death of Bob Denver. Denver played the eponymous “Gilligan” on television during the show’s three year run in the mid-sixties and then actually became Gilligan in real life after the form-fitting red shirt and floppy white hat became permanently attached as the result of continuous reruns of the show over the last forty years. Presumably, Denver is now buried in that outfit three feet above the late Alan Hale still clad as the Skipper

People who attempt to summarize this show tend to focus on two of the more surreal aspects of it: (1) Gilligan repeatedly sabotaged the castaways’ chances of getting off the island through sheer stupidity (without the others smashing his skull to pulp while he slept), and (2) a surprisingly large number of guests were able to drop in on one of the world’s remotest locations while the island’s permanent inhabitants remained trapped there like Patrick McGoohan in the Village.

The question in my mind is to what extent is the conventional wisdom supported by the numbers? Since there were only ninety-eight episodes, I decided to review all the plot summaries to study these trends empirically. What I found was that Gilligan was not as big an albatross as he’s made out to be. In only 10 out of 98 episodes (or 10.2% of the time) did Gilligan’s stupidity, incompetence, or bad luck foil rescue attempts – and many of these escapes were far from a sure thing. For example in episode 4 when Gilligan fixes the transmitter by hitting it and then breaks it again by stupidly showing everyone how he fixed it, the castaways would have had little time to contact somebody with it before the batteries went dead. Far from a sure thing. The same is true, in Episode 20, when Gilligan destroys a weather balloon erroneously thinking it’s a monster. The chances of rescue by weather balloon (even unpunctured) seem remote to me.

As for the second issue, the remote island truly did have a surprisingly active revolving door for visitors. By my count 28 different people (not including native tribesman) visited the island. This means that on average there were 7.29 people on the island at all times (the seven castaways plus on average .29 visitors.) Two of these people, Wrongway Feldman and the unnamed mad scientist from episodes 65 and 77 actually visited the island twice! Perhaps more interesting, 3 of these 28 visitors (or 10.8%) were actually exact doubles of castaways. These included a con-man impersonating Thurston Howell III, a Soviet spy impersonating Gilligan (though not nearly as stupid) and an initially unattractive woman named Eva Grubb who looks just like Ginger when cleaned up. What are the odds of being stranded on a desert island, being visited by your exact double, and still not being rescued? On this show it happened three separate times.

The other thing that people remember about this show but which I haven’t had a chance to check out is the Professor’s ability to do amazing things with bamboo (such as construct a Geiger counter in episode 71.) This might be a fruitful avenue of investigation for someone wishing to build on this research.

Rehnquist's Legacy: Bush v. Gore

2005-09-09T06:23:00.000-07:00

The recent death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist from complications associated with worshipping Satan have prompted legal scholars and commentators to frame his legacy. The emerging consensus is that Rehnquist was something of a trailblazer because he was widely considered a conservative wing-nut when appointed but a centrist at the end. While true, it should be recognized that this movement was due entirely to the subsequent appointment to the court of two raving psychotics, Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas, who made Rehnquist appear moderate by comparison. So beyond simply continuing to take his Haldol, Rehnquist doesn’t deserve much credit for this.

The real legacy of the Rehnquist Court is the December, 2000 decision in Bush v. Gore which metaphorically speaking handed the keys to the national school bus to a sixteen year old glue sniffer. Total deaths resulting from this decision are now approaching 50,000 based on the 9/11 intelligence failures, the pointless war in Iraq, and the Hurricane Katrina debacle. While these results will long be suffered, the bizarro world reasoning of Bush v. Gore was almost immediately forgotten except by those who savor the delicious irony of disenfranchising thousands of poor African Americans and aged holocaust survivors in Florida using the Equal Protection Clause. The court demonstrated its own view of the opinion’s specious logic in two ways: (1) nobody signed it and (2) it has no precedential value outside of that case.

Rehnquist’s legacy is alongside Chief Justice Roger Taney whose twenty-eight years on the court can be summed up in two words: Dred Scott. That disastrous 1857 decision, which held that slaves were more akin to property than to human beings, pretty much necessitated the civil war. Only legal scholars remember the hundreds of other decisions by Taney Court which were important in expanding the power of the federal government and shaping the federal system. And perhaps that is as it should be.

How to Understand Intelligent Design

2005-09-06T19:05:00.000-07:00

Intelligent design theory is quickly gaining acceptance with school boards from Kansas to Pennsylvania. For those desiring to educate themselves on the basics of intelligent design theory I recommend the following simple self-education procedure:
1) Pick up a copy of "The Design Revolution" by William A. Dembski, one of the leading scholars on intelligent design theory.
2) Tear out the pages of the book, crumple them up, and force them up the anus until the rectum is completely full. This will cauterize any bleeding caused by step 4 below. Make sure you don't accidentally read any of Dembski's book in the process.
3) Remove the radio antenna from a car, boat, boombox, or recreational vehicle. Insert the antenna up the left nostril and rotate the tip in a circular motion until the entire left hemisphere (including the cerebral cortex) is eviscerated. Be sure not to sever the corpus colosum.
4) Find an unoccupied restroom with an unpadded wooden toilet seat and place the head between the seat and porcelain rim. (Note: it is important to make sure that the seat is not padded or this just won't work.) Slam the toilet seat downward onto the side of the head repeatedly. This step is complete when you can nod silently through an entire two hour episode of the 700 club.
That's all there is to it. You now understand the other side of the evolution debate. Good luck and god bless scientific discovery.

Frequently Asked Questions

2005-09-06T11:28:00.000-07:00

Q: How come I can't find a conditioner specifically formulated for ass hair?
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A: I believe it's called "Pert."

Q: If blow pops are such a great idea, how come nobody has stuck a wad of gum into the middle of a steak or piece of chicken?
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A: It's only a matter of time.

Q: I wouldn't watch that show "Sex In the City" even if all the other channels had infomercials. I'd rather watch Ron Popeil squirt his juice into a chicken.
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A: That's not a question.

Q: If Michael Jackson were president do you think he would have invaded iraq?
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A: No. I also think that Vice President Culkin would have done a better job than that fat load Dick Cheney.

Q: What's the difference between scientology and complete horseshit?
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A: Complete horseshit has higher admission standards for new members.

Q: Is it possible to get a sticker which enables you to park in handicapped spots if you're not really handicapped but just extremely lazy?
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A: I wouldn't be surprised.

Q: Is there some secret, compelling reason why architects still refuse to put urinals in parking garage staircases?
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A: The answer can be found in the Da Vinci Code.

Q: You know that song "Oh Come Let Us Adore Him?" It makes me uncomfortable.
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A: Me too.

Q: If you're in an elevator with only one other person, and you accidentally pass gas, is it pointless to try to blame it on them?
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A: I don't know, but it's certainly a good metaphor for the Bush Presidency.

Q: Do fat people subscribe to magazines like roast beef illustrated?
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A: No, that magazine folded in 2002.

Q: What's up with people who spell feces "FAECES?" Do they think the "AE" gives them an extra little touch of class?
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A: Precisely.

Q: Is there some big division that all these subdivisions are part of or have we been lied to?
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A: Yeah.

Q: The most underrated artists of the twentieth century are Hall and Oates. Did I say underrated? I meant insipid.
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A: Once again, please state your opinions in the form of a question.

Q: What is the real reason dogs lick their balls?
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A: Because they're disgusting. Just kidding. The real reason is because I squirted chocolate syrup on them.

Q: What's up with this plaster of paris? I mean is there a plaster of brussels or something?
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A: No, but there is a seldom used substance known as plaster of Liechtenstein.

Q: I checked my own prostate this morning. The good news is there's no cancer. The bad news is I need a new ballpoint pen.
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A: Motherfucker, I've warned you twice already about not formulating proper questions --- next time you get a time out.

Q: How many faeces encrusted wino's does it take to wake the president?
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A: Only one, if she's married to him.

Q: On the Dukes of Hazard, exactly whose uncle was uncle jesse and why did Boss Hogg always wear that white suit and remember that great episode where ned beatty gets raped?
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A: I think that was an episode of Gomer Pyle.

Q: How can mustard gas be so dangerous when mustard is so delicious?
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A: You ever try inhaling Gulden's?

Q: I've always felt that what two consenting adults choose to do in the privacy of their own home is completely disgusting and should be illegal.
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A: You would.

Q: I saw on CNN that doctors impregnated a woman with 21 year old sperm. Does that mean the fetus can legally drink?
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A: You'd think.

Q: I think it's great that French Fries are now called Freedom Fries, but what about freedom ticklers?
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A: I believe that name is actually used on the vending machine in the capitol men's room.

Q: Which industry is most in need of government regulation?
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A: The comic strip industry. Specifically, that guy who draws the family circus should be executed by lethal injection. Then little 8 year old billy could do a lameass depiction of it.

Q: Why aren't more Americans outraged by the Patriot Act.
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A: Actually, I read in the Washington Post that 40% of Americans believe that the patriot act represents a more dangerous restriction of individual liberties than the discredited alien and seditiion act of the 18th century. I'm obviously kidding. The truth is that most americans wouldn't dispute it if you said that bazooka joe was the 23rd president.